Settling
No one would encourage you to "settle" when it comes to relationships...but would you ever consider it? What are your thoughts on settling in relationships in general?
Linking up at Jen's Jumping in Puddles!
Linking up at Jen's Jumping in Puddles!
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Settling in relationships to me at this moment comes down to two scenarios:
- It's very easy for a girl to build up an impossible ideal in her head (i.e. Anne of Green Gables) and because of this unrealistic romanticized ideal they think that a guy who is real and there in front of them (Gilbert in this case) is settling when in reality it wasn't settling at all. It's exactly who they were meant to be with.
- Or a girl who is weary from waiting on a guy who meets her realistic standards can believe he'll never come along and settle for the guy whose there but isn't what she want in morals, religion, attitude, etc.
I have been very guilty of the first. Love stories have always been my favorite books to read and especially in high school I had these grand ideals and expectations for guys. I had picture perfect scenes planned out in my head and every part of him from speech to looks would be perfect, he would be my Gilbert. Anything less than this perfect guy was settling. Except that it wasn't. This is a dangerous trap to fall into and it's not fair to the wonderful guys around you who are real.
I've never settled like in the second case, but mostly because I'm just now really realizing what my realistic standards are for a guy. I think this could be an easy situation to get into though if you've been waiting and waiting and the guy just doesn't come along but there's other guys around. You start to excuse certain behavior your not okay with, because your tired of waiting.
The two guys I've ever dated were settling compared to what my standards are now which is probably why I haven't found another guy to date since them. In a way though I see that as a good sign, that I'm no longer settling for less than I should but I also no longer have this romanticized ideal either.
I have had people tell me that my standards are too high sadly. People that have said you can't find a guy who will wait till marriage. You can't find a guy whose that Catholic. You can't find a guy who wants to have tons of kids. A lot of people think I have unrealistic standards because they're looking at society around us but I don't accept that. At the end of the day I would feel better not marrying than settling for a guy who won't wait till we get married, who won't be open to having kids, who won't go to mass with me.
So I guess in summary, it's easy to build up ideals that don't exist and convince ourselves we're settling for someone real when we really aren't. At the same time we should know and understand our realistic standards (religions, morals, personality) and not settle for less than that even when society and even friends tell us we should.
Hi! First, let me say, ugh, I am sorry you have to hear those things from people (I get it from family sometimes). But I wonder what you think of Option 3 for Settling: guy is fine in character, doesn't meet your ideal level of feeling, but because he is fine in character, marry anyway, and instead of feeling extraordinarily happy (as Anne did), feel just "okay"? I think that'd be the real temptation for me if I were in my late thirties and were tired of chasing after Mr. Perfect for Me. I could see Mr. Okay looking like a good option. But then as my post said, I also know it's false witness to do that.
ReplyDeleteHi! Thanks for bringing that up! :) I've been thinking about it and I think right now it's so easy to be hopeful, being only 21, because its easy to say there's still so much time left the guy will come along soon. If I were still single in my late thirties it would be a completely different mindset. Especially since that time in life brings so many other challenges to the equation like having to worry if you wont meet someone in time to have kids. The temptation to settle for someone who was just okay, I think would be a real temptation for me too.
DeleteYou breaking down the difference between one and two is awesome, something that I couldn't figure out how to put into words. There is a difference. Realizing that the man you marry will fail and will disappoint you but is striving for heaven, holiness, and lives in imitation of Jesus is not settling. Settling is marrying a guy who won't strive for heaven and holiness with you and fails and disappoints.
ReplyDeleteExactly! It's all about realizing what is truly important in a relationship and never losing sight of it! :)
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