I don't like to be alone. I don't like to go to things where I don't know anyone or do something that my other friends aren't doing. Finding my identity has been one of the biggest problems for me. In high school I transferred school for my sophomore year, so I felt lost and lonely and friendless. I desperately wanted the approval of someone, for someone to be friends with. When I finally did find a group of friends for a long time I hid things about me because I didn't want to be "weird", I wanted their approval. I may have been in a all girl's school but no one else was sewing or knitting at home. No one enjoyed history so much they liked volunteering at historical villages. I never stopped doing those things I love but I wouldn't do them as often and wouldn't tell my friends I did. Eventually I realized those girls loved me for who I was and today they're still my friends and I never hold anything about hobbies I love back.
In the past year or so, I struggled most of all in moving forward in faith because I wanted the approval of others. I dated a guy my freshmen year who at one point told me that maybe I should be dating a more Catholic guy than him. They way he said it made me feel like it was something odd about me, it made me embarrassed to be enthusiastic about my faith with him. Obviously that was not the right guy for me. It wasn't just a boy though, it was many of my long time friends. As I was drawing closer to my faith and learning more about it and seeking it, they had been slowly drifting away from theirs. At one point a best friend said to me that she didn't like me talking about my faith so much (and she is Catholic too- so it especially hurt me for her to tell me I talk to her too much about it). Besides her saying that, it was hard in general to be going against my other friends who were moving away instead of towards. I would take a step forward in my faith and take two steps back because of the influence and wanting the approval of my friends. I let needing the approval of others be just a little more important than my faith and when you realize your faith should be the most important thing in your life you can't downplay it to win the approval of others. You shouldn't do that for the approval of others. I had to realize that my faith and things I love are who I am and if others don't approve, that's okay maybe they aren't the best influence in my life if they aren't open to who I am.
This summer was a blessing to me. It was the perfect time for me to be alone. I got to come home, enjoy family, and still see friends but not nearly as much as during the school year. I had time to read and pray and think. The time alone without desiring the approval of friends has strengthened my faith and helped me to see who I am and what I want. It's helped me turn a shaky foundation easily shook up if a friend disapproved to a firm foundation. One where I know what I believe in and why I believe it, one where I know who I am because I know who I'm living for.
My time alone this summer with God involved many different things from listening to Catholic radio shows about church topics to praying different novenas I've wanted to try. It's been writing down thoughts like this blog post and reading other blogs. There is no list of things I can give for time alone with God and finding who you are in Him. It was all of these things but none of them at the same time. It was just the mindset to be alone and focus on Him and not seeking approval from others.
So who am I right now as a young single woman? I'm a twenty year old girl who loves teaching, history, and sewing. I'm a girl who wants to be a wife and mother someday and can't wait till I meet the right guy. I'm a student and a daughter and a friend. Most importantly, I am God's.
If others give you approval of who you are as a person, that's great! It's great to be surrounded with others who have the same opinions and views but being Catholic today that's not always the case. Being young today that's not always the case. People will not always approve. Eventually when you marry and have the many many babies you want, people will disapprove and question you. There will always be things people will disapprove about. It's important to know who you are now and be grateful for those that approve but ultimately to not let the opinion of others matter. Only settle for God's opinion of you because his approval is the only one that matters.
I know who I am because I know who I'm living for - Love.
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